NERVOUS?... MOI?

To say I wasn't nervous about tomorrow would be silly. Part of me has waited so long for this, I just can't wait for it to happen. Other part of me...the part that kept me tossing and turning most of last night and probably again tonight is very scared.

The little girl in me is frightened. I can't help it. Yes I have every confidense in my Doctor and his abilities. Of that I am thankful. Also, as frightened as I may be, I know this will altimately safe my life.

My little voice however is afraid of being on an operating table for an hour and a half. Having no control of what happens.... Of dying.

I certainly don't mean to come off as melodramatic...please don't interpret it that way. I do nonetheless look at things with logic. You just never know what could happen. People have died from lesser interventions. Things just happen. Because of that I have no choice but to see the possibility of it happening to me.

The only thing I can do is to make sure I am going in there knowing my things are in order. Try and take responsability of what could happen. For that reason, I wrote out my will. Made sure things were clear and easy. Knowing it's done makes me breath easier. It's not an official one , we plan on doing a legal one this spring but this one will be binding anyway. Signed and dated etc.

Chris ofcourse, bless his heart wants nothing to do with it. Has whole heartedly *warned* me that I am stuck with him for many many more years whether I like it or not lol. Oh and if I die, he will kill me! Love that man.

So as I sip my favorite glop...knowing in my heart I will miss it after tomorrow.....NOT! I realize that tomorrow will be the start of a whole new and better life for me. Easy? Certainly not. Worth it? Absolutely!

We leave here at 5am tomorrow. Check in at 6am. My surgery is scheduled first, which is a good thing. No waiting. I will be ICU for the first day only if all goes well. We are bringing my laptop hoping that I can log on if I am bored. Or when Chris has to leave to come home.

So basically my next post should be to tell u I am alive and well!!!! Hugs 0x0x0x

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE?........HMMMM

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE?........HMMMM
I laughed today when my friends made a comment about my Star Trek analogy on last post. She then JUST HAD TO refer to MISSION IMPOSSIBLE...
You know what this means don't you?.........
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As I struggled to get to the pinnacle of my breakfast GLOP...I was tapping my stumache for reasurance that it was almost over.......and a recorder message kicked in.............

MOON...This MISSION, should you chose to take it , is paramount to your good health! The AGRESSOR...OPTIFAST, has infiltrated your psychy. Your task is to take it down within 3 more days. Sourses tell us that killing it by forse will not be affective. Choking the envelope to death will do no damage either. Using undo weight by stomping up and down on it will only spread the vile substance and infect your psychy even more. It must be killed in a slow arduous manner. If during this time, you are forsed to gnaw off your own arm, or kill any surrounding villagers, we will not acknowledge your existance. This mission, as stated ...will self distruct all your fat cells once you have arrived at the hospital check point in T-minus 66 hours.......GOOD LUCK!

WOW I had no idea my navel could do that!............

DAY 10 OF SURVIVOR.......OOPS SCRATCH THAT

DAY 10 OF SHE SURVIVES!!

Yes, I can't believe it myself. 10 whole days already done of this liquid diet of runny mud or as a friend put it, GLOP lol....

My body is going through alot already. I lost 6-7 lbs within 4 days..but havent moved the needle on the scale since...it' staying the same.

My body is reacting I believe, to what I am doing to it. I am hearing the inner voice actually, it is saying.

''WTF ARE U DOING CAPTAIN? !! EVERTHING IS HUNGRY IN HERE! WE HAVE HAD TO HOLD BACK THE FAT TROOPS TO STORE ENERGY! ...MAYDAY MAYDAY!....THE ENGINES CAN'T TAKE IT MUCH MORE CAPTAIN! WE ARE LOSING POWER! WE WILL EVEN START LOSING *MAJOR* LBS IF THIS KEEPS UP CAPTAIN! DO SOMETHING! WE JUST CANT GO ON MUCH LONGER! WE'RE BREAKING UP!

OK, my brain is being affected also.....what can I say lol. I actually typed that with Scotties scotish accent in my head...StarTrek lives...(in my body?)

Today I get more running around down...bank stuff...and hopefully abit of time to find a nighty I like for the hospital. Then I go to my nail place...to have the acyrlic removed from my nails. I have all natural nails but once a month I have acyrilic put on them, makes them strong and they have a nice french manicured look. Anyway, it has to be removed for surgery.
PS...Some have asked why..and my friend Rae explained it best in comment so I posting it here for clearification......(They have you remove fake nails, acrylic and all nail polish because they can tell how your oxygen levels are in your body during surgery, the fastest way to tell from what I was told, is by looking at the nails. Toenails can't be painted either.)

Will post again soon. Hugs

YES..MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!

All the stress I was living through, about having payment by today (Tuesday) have been lifted! Now I have tears of joy! Relief! and Happiness to just focus on the surgery itself.

Did the bank get their shit together u may ask......No!

Did medical financing come through? .....Small part yes but mostly.....No!

Did unlocking our investments and Rsp's happen in time?.......No!

All these things are still pending and will happen, but just not in time for when we needed it all.

I was blessed with the kindness of a loved one who had the means to help us at the right moment. Unexpected and out of the blue we were called late lastnight to be told not to worry, I could sleep comfortable because it would be payed on time. I have to say it took me quite a while to finally sleep only because my tears kept coming lol.

This day was a mad dash for all concerned but it got done. I can't begin to express how my heart feels. It's swollen with emotion and gratitude. I can now focus on surgery without all the extra stress. We still have all the pending things to do and finish but with less urgency. Now it will be done to pay back everything and not have to worry anymore.

Ironically I feel like a HUGE weight has already been lifted!

One week from today at this time I will have had my surgery. Hard to believe after waiting 7 yrs for this. It's actually happening.

Day 8 of my liquid diet hasn't improved my opinion about the taste of the crud I have to (*&?%! ) drink! lol....but hey, never thought I could get this far. BRAVO ME!!

HuGS..... I will be back to blog soon.

OMG THIS SERIOUSLY SUCKS!

OK, it's day 6 of this liquid diet. I am about ready to chew off my own arm.

I just read that and it sounds like a post from someone on a deserted island. Starving with no food lmao!

Ok, not an island here but I am going mad, does that count? So as I was saying....day 6. The first day when I tasted the chocolate Optifast for the first time I though.....Hmm not bad. By day 2 I thought.....Omg I hate this crud!......BUT I am not hungry persay...it manages to fill a person up. I have to take 4 per day. Mixed with water..shaken up, it becomes thick. I also can't down it. I have to learn to drink it over 30 minutes. Why? because after surgery I will have to drink everything slow including water.

Water! Omg. I have to drink 2 litres a day of the stuff!..THANK GOD for Crystal Light. I can add that to it. Makes it easier to drink.

So I am basically constantly drinking something.....oh yeah and constantly having to go to the bathroom if u know what I mean.

I am convinced that this is as much a psychological test of the will as it is a thourough cleaning of the insides. Anyone able to do this for 2 weeks is damn determined to go through with the surgery. Thank goodness I can chew sugar free gum..it gives me something to chew on lol, so Chris went out and got me about 10 different kinds of gum packs so I would have choices. What a guy!!

Think about it....if this were an endurance race?...ppl like me (fat ppl) should get a freaking Olympic Medal !! To go through 2 whole weeks of a liquid diet...BEFORE surgery.

In case you're wondering...I have lost 6 lbs since Tuesday.

My blood sugars are remaining stable. I have to check them 4 times daily before each Optifast but I will have to call my family doctor tomorrow....the numbers are hovering just at the low/normal limit. We will have to adjust my meds so I don't basically go into a COMA...

Ok..so to top off this tiny blip of discomfort in preparation to my surgery, here comes the real stressful part.......YES THERE IS MORE!

It's not enough to deal with the stress related to the surgery itself. I have to deal with the finances. As I have mentioned before, we started bank stuff, in the beginning of Dec! Yes, I said Dec!...everything approved!...yet, paperwork to get done was started to a point then had to backtrack, things weren't right (bank stipulates) Notary has to talk to bank, back and forth. It was and is a nightmare. FINALLY.. bank calls last Friday to say, notary makes final signature appointment yada yada...So I leave message on Notary's machine begging for her to make room for us Monday morning...(fingers crossed)....But get this, even after everything is Notorized...it takes the bank ANOTHER 48 hrs to OK everything GRRRR!! WTF!

OH, did I forget to mention that payment for the surgery is one week BEFORE surgery!...so even if we get into the signing monday morning...there is no way in hell that we will have money by the next day!......

Normally I am a pretty calm person. Takes alot to really ruffle me up. Granted I am emotional and full spirited but for the big stuff, I am calm and good under pressure.
This month however has me frazzed. BEing at the mercy of so many ppl who wouldn't give a flying fuck about me has not been easy. I realize everyone has a job to do and go home and forget about it. Thats life. Just gets frustrating and hopeless feeling like now.

There are very few times in my life where I have been very very upset and anxious. When I get that way, I am physically sick. This happens very rarely. I am a strong person for. Anyone who knows me would agree. So for me to be this anxious is totally out of character but this stress is too much.

I could be sick at any given moment. At a time when the little in my stumach has to stay there at all costs. Just trying to keep stuff down has been a struggle....I keep repeating to myself
''THIS TOO SHALL PASS''
It's one of the sayings that has gotten me through many things ...but untill I actually get there...OMG THIS IS HARD!

If there happens to be a rich person out there reading this and wants to donate or lend the remaining 15 grand directly to the hospital for my surgery before or on Tuesday....I think I could actually stop dry heaving with stress .TMI I know.

Ha, who am I kidding....miracles like that just don't happen.

I am also sure that many found this hard to read all the way through, I don't blame them. I write it for me...to let it out. I hope that months from now, if all goes well (praying) I can look back on this page and thank goodness that I am not feeling this way anymore .

Thanks for the continued support I have recieved from ppl out there and good friends I know I can count on to let me bend their ear. HUGS

IT BEGINS

Yesterday was the beginning or end of an era...

Certainly the end of one and the beginning of another. I spent the whole day in Montreal yesterday between 2 clinics getting all my pre op tests done.

I had blood work, ECG heart monitor done, pressure checked by 4 diff ppl. I had a psych evaluation... and physical evaluation, did some treadmill, and excersises, while hooked up to heart monitor, I was in a 90 min consult with a diaticien.. then another doctor did an over all check up and we looked over all the bloodwork and heart results from that morning.

Oddly enough the most difficult test I had to do was a metabolic rate monitoring. I had to put my mouth on a tube and just calmly breath in and out....the hard part was , I had a thing pinching my nose so I could only breath threw my mouth...doesn't sound to bad does it...well, believe me it is not fun....it makes u uncomfortable, and u get the impression u may drown...or panic..hard to explain..and the worse is u have to stay that way for not 1 minute.....not 4 minutes....BUT 10 LONG ASS MINUTES!.....u have to make yourself calm down or u will rip it out of your mouth.

I met many very nice ppl ...in both clinics. We had to switch from one clinic to the next more then once, luckily they were across the street from eachother. But as much as winter wanted to take its time arriving , it just happened to want to show its face YESTERDAY... of all days....for me anyway. The highway into montreal was slow going...then we had blizzard snow pelting weather all day...had to sheild our faces and shake off all the snow acumulated just from crossing the street.

Anyway....I learned many things....some very daunting and scary...which I expected but still have to deal with. Some cool stuff too.

I have to say goodbye to all carbonated drinks....sodas notably...I love my diet coke...no more. EVER.
The carbonation makes gas, and gas will cause me alot of pain. The acid will only hurt my healing proccess anyway, so I must stay away from it. In a year if I MUST have a taste, I would have to defizz it completely yada yada...no sense in that. I have to mourn my soda.

No more sugar....or chocolate....u may thing for dietary reasons...well yes but mostly because it can cause what they call DUMPING...where sugar can cause the heart rate to rise very quickly, cause the sweats, cause problems...etc, Some who have tried ended up in ICU....I was advised to stay away from any of that for atleast a yr..and take baby steps after that with great caution.

Our body after surgery metabolizes things much faster...for instance...an alcoholic drink, will go STRAIGHT to my head...she said, in otherwords, I would be a very CHEAP DATE! lol...they warn u of that, especially for those who think they can have a small drink and then drive...NOT a good idea.

Reintroducing foods with texture will take some time...I will have to have 6 mini meals per day and take vitamins for the rest of my life.

Please, if u have had this surgery...and u have gotten away with eating what ever crap u can, or found tricks to do so.....I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT...honestly, I appreciate any comments of encouragement and good thoughts but I do intend to do exactly what I am told...even if its overkill, its for my own good anyway...

With one of the Doctors, while going through family history and such..he asked if I was alergic to anything. I told him, just one thing:
CHEEP JEWELRY
Then Chris pipes in, ....it's MY PROBLEM NOT HERS LOL
Doc says, ..well actually its a metabolic skin reaction to the nickle sulfate yada yada ...technical term.
I say...Yes, EXACTLY! (big shit eating grin on my face)
BUT...says Doc.....there is an easy solution....CLEAR NAILPOLISH...
at which I say....HEY DON'T TELL MY HUSBAND THAT!!
We all had a good laugh. He was very nice.

I knew that yesterday after all was done and we went out for supper, it would be my LAST MEAL... as I know it. The day before Chris didn't want me to put it in those terms, and the psych Doc kinda looked at me funny also, when I said that. I told them both the same thing. I needed to put it in those terms so that I could deal with the reality of it. It will be the LAST meal of what I have been used to eating all my life. I would certainly go to town with my last meal lol, and enjoy it to the fullest...but then close the door. I open a new door today by starting the liquid diet they gave me to start 2 weeks before the surgery.

What did I have for supper?...Well it was hard to choose.....but ended up being some gourmet pizza we like to eat sometimes. They aren't the pizza u get elsewhere, these are square, thin crust with awesome toppings...anyway, they taste different.....but first I had an entre of mushrooms stuffed with escargo's...garlic, cheese sauce..yummmm....then the main course...with a luscious chocolate moka with whipped cream topping cake...omg!!! it was good...and ofcourse I had a diet coke with that lol.

Today I started my optifast chocolate shakes....mixed with water..they arent bad actually but I have to learn to take it slowly.....after surgery I will have to eat very slow, and even drink very slow....No longer will I be able to guzzle a good cold glass of water...it will be like a funnel effect and fill up at the top. ...

I was not one to check my sugar levels often...just took my meds and kept things under control, but now...I have to check them 4 times a day.....write it down...make sure I don't go to low...have to gage wether I have to have my diabetis meds ajusted.

The great stuff about all this is that soon enough, I will be able to eliminate almost all my meds...granted I will have to take chewable vitamins but thats not the same. Everything will be healthier with me. Blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetis, apnea, and so on.

In the last yr...my urine has showed too much protein...this is a precurser to bigger kidney problems...and probably dialosis....all the doctors consulted said that I was making a very wise choice in doing this surgery....it will save my life.

As I stated before...it's been all about my bad health....that was getting worse. The added bonus will be looking better ...thats all, and the least of my concerns right now.

I am blessed that Chris is by my side. He was the one asking all the questions of the dieticien yesterday. Like he said, he is the cook...so he wants to make sure he makes the things in the future that are best for me. She was very impressed with him and his devotion...That man even wanted to do the liquid diet with me for these 2 weeks before surgery to make it easier on me by not eating real food infront of me. I refused to let him ...we have to feed the others in this house, and I will certainly see others eat all the time..but I don't know many ppl who would have been willing to do that just to be supportive. I am so blessed...He is my hero...always.

Well...as I sip on my water...and contemplate my future I have to start by taking one day at a time...it won't be easy...but I have family and some friends around who will be there for me...to help, or just put up with me through it all...whether it be by lending an ear or just understanding that some days will be harder then others.

I need all the encouragement I can get lol. Hugs to my friends

A NEW YEAR...

WOW.. the Holidays have flown by for me. I wish a HAPPY NEW YEAR-BONNE ANNÉÉ to all.

I started the first day of the year in emergency!...Not for me thankfully..But for my blind guy unfortunately. Little man started a low grade fever Friday morning. I called the clinic he doc is at to be told no doctors on call till the 2nd. Hmm Ok...I will keep a close eye on him..he wasn't coughing hardly...(he has a tick cough so nothing out of ordinary)...he wasn't rasping or even have a runny nose.....he would only get a fever in the evenings...102-101 etc..so kept dosing tylenol...and giving him lots of fluids etc.....but Monday morning 6:30 am JANUARY 1ST...fever shot up to 104...called 911...and hopped in an ambulance with him. After tests...and xray, he was found to have pnuemonia. Even doc could not have been able to tell without xray, and given he is mute and mentally handicapped, I did everything right up till that point. They kept him overnight, to give him a good boost of intervenus intibiotics. We should be picking him up sometime today.

As for myself, I have been sick almost all the period of the holidays. Very sore throat...feeling like crap, tired....some good days, some bad. Just getting the xmas stuff done has been a chore....and some of that didn't get done. But we did have a lovely xmas...my daughter and niece were here and both clients...everyone was happy and very spoiled.

I feel quilty though...its the first time in over 20 yrs that I didn't do my xmas cards. I just didn't have the energy even though I had looked forward to sending a nice wedding pic out to my far away relatives and friends. My xmas letter never got finished...it just lacked umphf...so needless to say the blog also took a back seat in my world.

We are still in the midst of banking crap also...with my surgery coming soon...we are still dealing with the bank...all will go through but the red tape is infernal...which has caused me alot of stress. I am usually a calm person, but this stuff gets to me. I like to have my ducks in a row..thankfully Chris is the one to assure me things will all be fine. I knew I did the right thing by marrying him lol.

As for surgery, I CAN'T WAIT!... I go for all my prelim tests on the 15th...getting it all done that day...between two clinics...each across the street from the other so they arranged to work together for me, to it get all done...so I get blood work done, dietician consult, psych consult, heart and chest checks and exercises.....then leave there with a box full of optifast...I have to start a liquid diet 2 weeks before surgery..that will not be easy for sure...BUT it will make my stumach shiny new for surgery and it seems it also shrinks the liver abit to give the doc more room to work in there. Anyway..I am just anxious to get it all over with.

Some have asked me if I know the risks or that it is a major surgery, or any number of things. Let me address those questions now. I am aware of ALL the risks..and my doctor was great in answering all my questions..he also said it showed that I had done my research. My questions were very valid and I had some that most wouldnt have thought of. I have also had 7 yrs to think about it since I started on the waiting list. I have NO DOUBTS that this is the right thing to do for me and my health.

I also realize that my eating habits will drastically changed the moment I start my liquid diet. So I think most would understand that I have enjoyed eating all the good stuff we all make for xmas lol....I have always had a good appetite lol....In future I will still be able to taste but that will be enough.

Last but not least...I have hardly opened my yahoo...I have had all but a few ppl from my huge list of friends that have actually inquired about me...I am not whining believe me lol..it will just make my life easier to delete alot of ppl I havent spoken to in forever. I will no longer feel the need to sent a little note of (hello, hope all is well with u, say hi next time u are online so we can catch up).....like I used to do. I realise we all have our lives...I am proof of it with my blog absenses of late...but u know who your friends are in short order when u have gone missing for abit...just a short comment or email or private message from those few who care makes all the difference....I know who those ppl are....hell even some of my blog readers have sent some last month...I appreciate it.

I will try to keep a better update...and to my friends out there...thank you. To my blog friends that even after all this time check to see if I have updated my blog...thankyou also. Big hugs to all...and .......I WISH FOR ALL A GREAT YEAR FULL OF......

..................GOOD LOVE....GOOD LIFE......AND GOOD HEALTH..............